the internal dilemma

where do i start?

when i was starting this blog, i was thinking about the things i am interested in and my career. i am in full time ministry and yet i didn't really want to list that as an interest or even as my career. i have been an active follower of God for over 13 years. that's a long time. i have worked in full time ministry for over 4 years. the thing is that i feel often i get pigeon-holed into this type of person. i feel like i am often fighting this image of "that kind of Christian". i am always afraid that people will learn that i am in full time ministry and then every stereotype of Christians will come rushing forward. the truth is, i battle those images everyday. at my church i often feel like i am the "liberal" woman who works in full time ministry and isn't scared to ask questions and yet when i am at work i feel so conservative...i just want my friends to know and love Jesus.

the reason that i am bringing this all into the light is because the other day when i was looking for blogs to read i would feel a bit of a grimace as i found a christian's blog. i was doing to all those people what i fear people are doing to me. i was judging them. i felt like i just wanted to meet someone "normal" and not have to have a conversation about whether or not God wanted me to have chicken or beef for dinner. so for that i am sorry, i am sorry that i judged some of the people that might be just like me. a christian and normal at the same time.

i should mention that it's not that i am embarrassed being a christian, often i am just embarrassed by christians. fine line ya know? i feel like i have to explain myself when i tell people i follow Jesus and even do it professionally :) i care about people, i care about social issues, i read books and listen to music, and on top of all this i desperately love Jesus and want to know him and make him known. that is what i am about...call me conservative, call me liberal. i want to know Jesus and make him known.

my prayer for myself is that i would take some risks, that i would get to know some people, and that i would have the courage to be me...christian and all.

so i think i will adjust my interests and my career. i said that i wanted to get to know myself and some other people better through this whole blogging thing. this is a good place to start.

(man, who would have thought blogging would be so vulnerable)

postsecret

while i was looking around for some interesting blogs to read i happened to find this http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ the name is postsecret and it might be one of the saddest things i have ever seen. it is simply a blog compiled of people's biggest secrets sent in on mostly handmade postcards reflecting the secret. the brokenness is sobering. even now, i am at a loss for the way i feel. it is like an anonymous confessional but one of where the confessor isn't always repentant. the truth is, i have my share of secrets, the truth is we all have our share of secrets but when did secret sharing become another website? the postcards were about death, priorities, identity, sex, love, everything... and for the most part they were totally void of hope. is it therapeutic for the secretkeepers to send in postcards with their admissions? does it lift the guilt, the shame, the power of the secret? i don't know.

i guess it reminds me of in blue like jazz when tony the beat poet and don miller are talking about the sin nature. am i not capable of all those things, those secrets that hold power over lives? it makes me want to live vulnerably in front of people who love me and know me. if i had some life altering secret, i wouldn't want to have my secret made known through a postcard on some blog. i want to believe that there are people in my life that would speak grace to me, remind me of who i am, remind me that i am more than brokenness and secrets.

that blog is somewhat haunting. it stays with me even now, the feelings of hopelessness and hiding. what does it say about a world where the safest place to admit isn't really a place at all? there is no accountability, no speaking of truth, no reminders of better days and hope to come.

the book baton

kari just sent me one of those batons...ya know, music, books, etc. i have to admit, i am glad that i got the book one rather than the music one. i would have been stumped if i had to do the music one. let's just say, i like music and really all kinds of music, but i'm not so good at those "what is your favorite album" stuff. now that i think of it, i'm not so sure if i'm good at "what's your favorite book" stuff either.

Total Number of Books I Own:
well, definitely not as many as kari. but i still have a lot. one of the great things about my job is that they send me free books all the time. i love free books. i don't always read them but it still looks impressive. hehe. i just went and counted one row of a bookshelf and then multiplied it by the number of shelves in the house, let's say about 400ish. wow, that's more than i would have thought.

Last Book I Bought:
i recently bought The Mermaid Chair (which by the way is good, but not as good at Secret Life of Bees) and i also bought Real Sex by Lauren Winner. (sidenote: i can't find the underline button on my blog). i also bought United by Faith, but that was more for work.

Books I'm Reading Now:
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, that is a re-read but i am gearing up for the sixth book. i think i still have a chapter or two in Real Sex and Long Obedience in the Same Direction.

Recently read:
The Kite Runner which i liked a lot! Harry Potter IV, Mudhouse Sabbath, Mermaid Chair (obviously since i bought it last)

Up next:
This summer is designated to "reading with eugene". i am planning on reading several books by eugene peterson. up next is running with the horses and his newest one Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places. i also am reading a few books for work including one called Lunch at the 5 & 10 which is about the Greensboro civil rights sit-ins. and of course the newest Harry book coming in july. i need to get a beach read book though since i am going on vacation in a week!

Books That Have Been Important To Me:
Blue like Jazz...ah so good, my kind of book so along with that Girl Meets God and Traveling Mercies. Also Celebration of Discipline, i love it. i am totally into all those spiritual disciplines.
I guess that isn't really a ton of books. Those are some of my favorites but there are probably more.

i don't know who i am passing this onto since i don't really have any blogging friends yet besides kari and mike. if you read this and you aren't kari and mike i am passing this onto you. so enjoy. :)

a weekend away

this weekend scott (my husband) and i went to visit some of his college friends. they live in a small town not too far from here and it was a nice visit. we only were there for about 24 hours but it was still a good time. the couple we visited have been married for about a year just like us and it was our first weekend all together. i have been noticing lately that scott and i spend a lot of time with my friends from college but not a ton with his friends from college. it seems to me that for him still getting together with his college friends would be so much harder. for me it is still part of my normal life that some of my friends would visit. i was happy to visit some of his friends. i knew scott in college but we weren't together then and we weren't even at the same school, so being with some of his "college buddies"(as he calls them) helps me see a new side to him. scott was carefree and got to reminisce about things i don't really know about. for me, interpersonally, it was a stretch. although this couple is very nice, i don't know them very well and i had never spent an extended period of time with them. i noticed i was trying a bit harder with them then with some other people. you know, when you are with people that are just easy to be around, you just hang out you don't have to do something all the time. this was different. silences were more awkward, conflicting opinions a bigger deal. over the past few years my friends have really become scott's friends as well, i hope that is beginning to happen with his friends as well. the truth is i really had a good time this weekend even though it was a stretch. i was glad and i am still glad that we went to visit them. if anything, i got to know scott a bit better. that is always worth it!!

this is my second first blog. let me explain. i just finished writing my first blog and i was trying to do spell check and then it was gone. i am not off to a good start.

so i am obviously new to this whole blogging world. my best friend has been blogging for years. apparently i have been missing out. well, hello blog world!

i don't really know what to say, which is ironic since i already said it once and it got lost. i am feeling a little awkward about this blogging thing. what if noone ever reads it? what if it sucks? will have the ability to say "oh well"?

i guess my hopes for this are that i would get to know myself a bit better. when i read other blogs, it seems as if people are so self aware. i want some more of that awareness, my own that is. also perhaps i can get to know some others better. we shall see....or maybe i shall see?!

for now, that's all i think.